My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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