a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Even the bartender felt bad for me
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
