a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
