It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
