I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
