The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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