Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
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