I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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