Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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