In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
