she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
