I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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