I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
