Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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