He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
