Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
