Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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