I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
