Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
