I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
