Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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