On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
