What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
