Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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