oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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