you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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