Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
