I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
