so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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