I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
