dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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