im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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