The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
