Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
