I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
