Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
