If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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