Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
