1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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