thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
