even my farts smell like vagina
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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