I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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