LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
