Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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