Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
