we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
