today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize