It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
They took my balls.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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