She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
