I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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