Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
