I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
