i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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