Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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