I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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