i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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